Been cleaning up some behind the scenes code and working on details for the site. Some things you may have notices: Improved menu function at the top including scroller targeted links, dead link indicator icon, improved sub menu functioning, and little detailed graphics for the bullets. I'm using style sheets (css) to maintain consistency of style, and moved a bunch of updates to the archives to improve loading time for the site. More to come, I'm gonna add more projects to the home menu soon.

I had a problem. My motivation for everything I did was for the approval of others, no decision I made was without the counsel or approval of others. It got to the point where I realized that when I made friends, I took on their characteristics to be more like them to get their approval. For a time, I honestly could say I didn't know who I was because I was just a conglomeration of what the people around me were. And it's been killing me; I've considered suicide because I take so much of my time doing things I don't really want to do but feel I should do. So I needed to make a permanant personal change, and that's always been a big problem for me. I needed to do something permanant and irreversible to accompany any change, to make it more real. That's when I got the idea of getting a tattoo. All my life, my parents told me if I ever got one they'd disown me, and Jenn I know wouldn't be pleased with the idea. But if I could get something there to symbolize a committment to myself to do things for me, to act in my own interest and not always worry about what other people want but what I want, I would appreciate it and live by it for the rest of my life. If it could be in a symbolic place that I could always see, but could be hidden if I wanted it to, that would be great. Like on my wrist, right in the place I've thought about slicing across several times due to the same issues I'm approaching to resolve. If I could get something to go right under my watch, it would be absolutely perfect. Finally, the message, if it could be something to represent the whole thing, yet something simple. Something that is for me to understand, yet not so simple that it's laid out to everyone. In high school, we all learned Aurebesh to communicate covertly, which is a written language from Star Wars. Something written in that, not because it's Star Wars, but because few people can read it. It was decided then and there it's what I wanted, but to be sure, I committed myself to wear it drawn in sharpie for a few weeks (6) and each time I saw it, I realized it was the right thing to do. I wanted to keep it a secret from Jenn and my family, just because they would try to influence me. When I thought about why not to get a tattoo, I thought my parents would kill me, Jenn would be disappointed, Meg might think it's stupid, and Jenn's parents would be disappointed. I never even thought about what I thought. And honestly, as long as it's something meaningful and not decoratice or over the top, I have no problem with it. Jenn found out about it at about week 5 when I slipped, and I didn't intend that to happen, and she tried to talk me out of it, but I had already decided it by that point. And finally, I did it. At first I was terrified about it, I was so worried I had done something stupid, what would everyone think. But Keith was there with me the whole time, and he reminded me why I did it, and it was all ok. And it still is. I made this decision for me, and I'm absolutely proud of it. And slowly, the people whose approval I would usually require are warming up to it. They respect my decision, and for once I know I made a huge unpopular decision and people are respecting me for me. I am so proud of it, other people may not like it but I did it for me and only me, and it represents me perfectly. I feel like I have this huge boost in confidence in the decisions I make, I feel like I can be myself, and if people don't like something about me they don't have to like me. I'm not living for them, I am living for me. I have no desire to get another tattoo, although people tell me getting them is addictive. And for this one, it's a response to a problem I've had for 20 years and no matter what happens in the future, if I can look down at this and know I can change and be those things I want to be, or look and know it commemorated a problem I overcame, I'll never regret it. So if you know what it means, awesome, cool, it's a simple credo, a message for me, a command, a reminder, all sorts of things, but don't make the exact message a big deal, I like that it has some unique mystery to it.

This is my wrist before I got the tattoo. Say goodbye forever to my unblemished skin!

Here is the mystery design, it's not that tricky to figure out what it means. 3 inches by 1/2 inch.

To make sure this was what I wanted, I drew it on my wrist in sharpie every day for 6 weeks before I did it. This is what it looked like.




Here's the after pictures. Day 1.







Some crazy "Look I'm a metal head" pics for the family.

Day 5 of the healing process.




Almost Healed.

On November 22, 2005, I got a tattoo. It was part of the healing process of all of my issues, and you can read something I wrote explaining about it, and see pictures of it, here. Stress is high right now, but the lexapro is helping. I just hope I get time to take care of the personal stuff I have on my agenda before it slips away forever. I plan to update with more pics soon, but time is hard to find. Mail me, check out the new internet radio up top!

Things got to the point where they just weren't working out, I went through a period where I didn't think I wanted to do student affairs anymore (still not completely sold), I went through a period where I wanted to leave Tallahassee immediately, went through a period where I didn't want to be alive. And almost wasn't. But now is a time for permanant changes, which will subtly be announced here. Needless to say, I am described as having mild to severe symptoms of depression and anxiety, with possible future looking into ADHD. For all the undergraduate time I spent studying where drugs can go wrong, I'm now one of those people on meds. I don't know where they'll take me, hopefully it'll be somewhere else, but the most important thing is not succuming to the wants, desires, or expectations of others. For now, I feel very sedated and drowsy, and kind of agitated. Coming back from a great weekend at the mouse land right back into my pit of despair hit me harder than it needed to, especially with the anxiety of taking my first pill the night we got home. One day, maybe I'll have my shit together, but I could talk for hours about my problems and all I'd do is come off as more self centered than I already am, which you'd find is an impressive feat to the people around me.

Phat Pillz

So, I hit a wall. Long story short, I'm in psych counseling trying to get stuff back in order, and I'm moving, somewhere between 3 weeks ago and 3 weeks from now. Not much to say, but there is good news, they fixrd the hole in the wall of the kitchen!

Phat Hole