Today was Jenn's birthday and I did my best to render these 2 performances for her.

I swear to you, if you can perform either of these for me (full costumes and all) for my birthday, you will instantly receive my first born child.

Someone recommended I try Omegle.com since I was bored. I think this pretty much sums up Omegle.

Omegle, summed up in one image.

me: do we have documentation of that?
    we have $**** in checking right now

Jenn: its been documented in the record
    eek, not much
    i expected more....

me: ?
    savings is $**,***
    I moved 4 grand over a while ago
    $**,*** total
    :)

Jenn: oh

me: and we get paid next weekend

Jenn: i didn't realize you moved money around
    from checking to savings?

me: yup, earning that interest
    This is me
    This is  it
    you see there?
    I'm on top of it.

Jenn: haha
    i get it :-D

Ok, so anyone that knows me knows I have a TERRIBLE fear of spiders. Like, deathly shaking and screaming and running away. So, anyway, I get home from work today and go in the kitchen and in the middle of the floor is a huge, monster, big enough to eat Rygel spider. In real terms, his whole legspan was about a half-dollar coin. Jenn wasn't home yet to take care of it for me. (She gets the spiders, I get the snakes, it's an arrangement that works well.)

Rather than run screaming into the wilderness, I man up to handle the situation. Mostly this decision was motivated by the fact that Rygel and I are still in a little bit of a dominance struggle in the new house, and I have to show who takes care of business, long story. I sternly command Rygel to sit (yea, I'm freaking out at this point) and jump across the room to grab a wad of paper towels, and hover down and position myself to kill it with one huge smash. I lean in about 6 inches away, take a deep breath, and...

SMASH!

I hit the ground with such great force the neighbors probably thought I was bowling. BUT??? Suddenly the beast crawls out from under my paper towel wad! I'm absolutely freaking out now, and just start smashing it with the towel, and it doesn't die, even after like 3 direct hits! Rygel finally forgets the command and sees the moving thing, which is interesting, so he comes over, and fearing for his life from this poisonous monster I am screaming at him to go away. At one point the spider ran through his legs, and I just shoved him across the room. I once again commenced smashing, at this point screaming "DIE! DIE! DIE" literally at the top of my lungs. I know I'm one to tell stories, but that part is absolutely true, I was screaming the word "DIE!" over and over. Finally, I came down on him in some tile grout and dragged a bit, finally slaying the beast. The whole ordeal probably lasted 45 seconds.

He was flushed down the toilet, and I have been sitting here shaking ever since. My thumb is now swollen and sore because I hit the ground so hard so many times. I DO NOT FUCKING LIKE SPIDERS.

In a chat with Andy from work...

Andy: i wonder if [REDACTED] takes off her glasses if she will look like Kitty from Arrested Development.

me: ...
"You'll never see THESE again!"

Andy: LMFAO

me: ( .)(' )

Andy: i so almost spewed water onto the monitor

me: yup