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Tallahassle

  I’d like to address a question that has been pit in my face a lot recently: Am I crazy? Well, that depends on your definition of crazy. All of a sudden all these concerns have been voiced that me referring to myself as crazy on my website will prevent me from ever getting a good job or winning a lawsuit. Allow me to clarify; I have nothing to hide, and if this website is one day the cause of my demise then I at least want my self description to be accurate. If crazy means singing imaginary songs to myself while standing naked in Wendy’s, I’m not crazy. If crazy means I hear voices in my head telling me to collect every blue pen I see, I’m not crazy. If crazy means I constantly as you if there’s a blue elephant on my shoulder, I’m not crazy. If crazy means I invest lots of time and passion into non-traditional interests for no objective gain, then I’m crazy. If crazy means I have an understanding of the world dramatically different from that of the people around me, then I’m crazy. If crazy means I battle severe depression and anxiety attacks, then yes I’m crazy, though I recognized my problems and took steps to alleviate stressors and acquire coping skills, and I personally think you’d be crazy not to do that. If crazy means I take small issues and turn them into personal affronts to my abilities and then commit myself to early failure, I am distinctly crazy. If crazy means I live a hectic life that I am somewhat stuck in due to my circumstances but recognize I just need to struggle through until I’m finished, then I’m crazy. Most importantly, if crazy means ridiculous coincidences and situations seem to happen at a much higher frequency to me than to other people, then I’m crazy. I call myself crazy, but not in a ::they’re coming to take me away he he:: kind of way, in a ::everyone’s a little crazy, I just have a double side helping of weird:: kind of way. And if telling my problems to the world turns me into a monster to an employer or litigator, then it probably wasn’t a place I would have wanted to work at anyway and even more faith in the legal system will have been lost. This last year and a half sucked, everything I held as consistent got flipped on its head, the tolls on my health, money and relationships are irreconcilable, and I developed a fairly negative attitude about the events of my life in Tallahassee. I’ll get over it one day, probably quickly after I leave this place. But when I describe myself as crazy, it’s because using one word to describe my hectic state is much easier than telling the whole story every time.
  I was thinking about death and how sad we get when an old person dies, or when a stack of people die from a disease. Yea, it’s sad when it happens to you, but really one person should die for each person born otherwise we’ll overpopulate. I never really got sad with death, and I get uncomfortable with other people who are sad with death because I have trouble empathizing. Of course I don’t wish it on anyone, but things like miscarriages, accidents, diseases and old age are simply mechanisms that keep us from outgrowing our food; it’s almost irresponsible to be happy at the birth of a baby and sad at the death of a geriatric, you’re asking for 1+1=2 instead of 1-1=0. Now, of course, there’s the issue of involvement; people usually don’t have a problem with other people’s family members dying (maybe a passing “oh, that’s sad” will suffice) but we have much emotion about our own. While this is a completely natural subjectivity, ask yourself if you can suspend it for a minute, either grieving for everyone who dies everywhere, or just not mourning.
  While on the topic of death, I read a news story about extremists (I know that makes it not applicable to regular life, but it serves as an example) in religion. Some 50 year old guy killed his roommate by shooting him so full of bullets his head was literally disconnected because the roommate was an atheist. The shooter repeatedly said he was an eagle scout and a Christian, and was not repentant about his act and acknowledged he would probably spend the rest of his life in jail. But the problem is his logic; he is fine going to jail because what is the cost of 25 years of inconvenience when doing the lord’s work has earned him a lifetime in heaven. He reportedly actually saw the devil in the man’s eyes right before he shot him, saying the roommate was Lucifer himself. In the trial, the family of the deceased was repeatedly accosted by the family of the accused, to the point the court had to provide security detail for their protection. This is a huge fear I have of Christianity; I have no problem coexisting, but at any point someone could in their head reach the conclusion that the consequences for me and them on earth are meaningless in the scope of heaven and hell. I don’t believe anyone I know would commit such an act, I used to know people who told me I was a bad person for reading Harry Potter but I don’t talk to them much anymore, but it still scares me. I just want to be on Earth doing my thing, since I believe there’s nothing after life I have to make the most of my time, but the threat of people literally intervening in my life because their belief in an absolute truth with absolute consequences alleviates them the burden of restraint constantly frightens me. Especially now that the connection between church and state has never been stronger. I know I tend to be an extremist myself, but I kind of have to be, since atheism is an extreme viewpoint. I think about this when I talk about becoming a boat captain or interplanetary colonist; isolation or cohabitation with like minded and belief-holding people would make me feel so much safer. America scares me because what was once ideas and concepts are now historical artifacts in a vault somewhere deep in the castle on the hill we have become. Escape from religious persecution has become defense of state sponsored religion, justified by historical context. Having a dream of all men created equal has become all men created equal, so long as they meet an approved ethnicity (Black, White or Asian) and conform to affluent standards. I keep getting on these soapboxes, maybe I should get into politics. I think the government’s role in the people’s lives is not to protect them from every little thing that can hurt them, but instead to provide services that work to best maintain order and to adjudicate conflicts of freedom between one party or another. We should have no place in foreign affairs unless the people, not the government, ask for our aid. And national security should really consider the security of the nation, not act as a roaming crosshair justified under a pleasant sounding title and opportunistic pouncing on public fear.
  So, here I am, trying to get my life together, I plan on doing the best I can to keep my head up in these last few months, I’ve so far gotten past having my luggage lost for a few days and returned soaked and having my starter die and need a 300 buck replacement, and though I had small episodes I’m making it through. I’m working on sleeping better, I’ve been eating better, exercising more and Jenn and I are doing better. So, off I go.

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